My Heart

So, this isn't a fashion entry. This is more a baring of my soul because I have been thinking alot and I don't know who to tell. And since my blog is virtually dry of any viewers this seems good.  So, here I go.

I am a worrier. Crazy worrier. I worry about anything and everything you can imagine. Things that make sense and things that don't make sense. And up until about december all the people in my life were ok to let me live like that. And I was ok to live like that too. I lost some friends with my worrying. Instead of waking up and smelling the lost friends, the worrying got even worse. I don't have any really rational reasons to worry. I have a good life. I am a good person. And thanks to a really special person in my life, I know I am a likeable person, and for the first time in my life, I can look at myself and see some good stuff.

Anyway, I have someone really special to me in my life now. My family is important, but this guy is amazing. And for the first time in my entire life, I have a reason to try and stop worrying. Because I don't want to lose him; he means so much to me. And the harder I try not to worry, the worse it gets and I am gettin super frusturated. Because I can't explain what goes through my head. And I don't mean won't, I mean I can't. Even to myself, I don't know how to put it. It confuses me. I sit most of the time, trying to figure it out. People think I am zoning out or not paying attention. I am, but I am trying to figure stuff out.

Anyway, I have gone through a whole bunch of evaluating and changing these last few months, because I am trying to put the puzzle pieces together that will make the best me... if that makes sense. And I am getting better. I have put most my anxieties and worries in perspective, and everyday I am putting together a better me. I like myself better now, my relationships with the people I really care for are better, and at the end of the day, I just feel way better.

Sometimes however, I have tough times. Right now is one of them. I am so worried about school; its exam time and I am so scared of flunking out of university. I am worried about finding a good job this summer. I want to make alot of money to help my parents out with my crazy high tuition. I am worried about my family, my friends, and that always makes me come back to one thing; I get worried about losing the people I love.

So last night, during a stressful time, when I was worrying and snifffling because I think I may be on the brink of a cold, I gave in to the fragile, broken, worrying Robyn. And everytime that happens, I make the people I care for the deepest feel like its their fault or like they have to help me through it. And its not like that at all. 

So, I guess really this is not so much a soul bearing as an explanation for someone I care for. I know I am hard to deal with sometimes. I know I don't always make sense, and I know I seem to hate myself, but I don't. I don't mean it to sound that way. You always support me. And you care for me, and you like me, and I am so so happy that I am with you. None of this is your fault. And I am frusturated that I make you feel that way. So I guess it all comes back to this: last night was kinda crappy, I know that, and I know it was because I let my worries get the best of me. You weren't brash, you weren't unsupportive, you weren't anything but perfect. I am a really lucky person. I've told you that before but its true. And that is the last time my worries are going to win.

I had the best time with you yesterday. I always have a great time with you. And I want to do that for a long time. Thank you for everything.

So, if you want to indulge my really sappy self, you can click here. I know its kinda lame. Kinda goobery. But as long as I am your goober, then I am completely content being a goober. I want to continue on our previous path of greatness. I know this seems like I'm dwelling... this just kinda came lol.

So ya.

<3 <3 <3