Update

Hello my blog reading lovelies! I have missed you. I apologize for my sporadic blogging pattern. You see, school is being so absolutely crazy, and life is just piling on so much stuff so unfortunately my blog gets pushed to the back of the list. I am not sure I will be able to post any fashion today because I am using a university computer and goodness knows if I am able to save photos to post. I will test that one out shortly.

Unfortunately, dear friends, life has been a bit tough lately. Boo hoo for Robyn right? I realize life is tough for many people, and I know there are many people worse off then myself. However, that does not change the fact that I have been having trouble lately. I am in a bit of a schlump. And I hope it ends soon because I am sick of feeling so crappy all the time. My family notices, friends notice, and my dear Matt notices. And I feel so terrible because I am trying so hard to just be normal and live life, but right now it is hard. I find it so much more tempting to cuddle up under my covers then to get up and face the world. But it is so bittersweet because the outside world has my boyfriend, and Dr. Pepper, and pizza, and sadly the wonderful nest of warmth under my covers does not. You think the pizza man would deliver there? I will have to try that one too. Just kidding. That would actually be so terrible. Like seriously, would you want some stranger who pretends to be a normal guy just delivering everyone's favourite food coming down to your room?? Your private vault of secrets? My goodness, the thought is appauling. You know what else is appauling? One of the guys that works at the Dominoe's I order exclusively from is some drunk Polish man who is always drunk. He is a total creep and he'd come into the liquor store (when I worked there) on shift all the time and hastily buy his Zwiec! AND HE COULD BE HANDLING MY PIZZA?????? This is a travesty.

Now I know, dear folks, that you must be thinking "her life is tough because a possible drunk polish creep may touch her pizza?!?!?!", and no, that is not why my life is tough. The fact that dirty fingers and boozy breath may be within reach of my pizza is not the problem I am having. It is just a meagre cherry on a cake of fecal matter if you catch my drift.

My problem lately has been a sort of confusion. So much has been going through my head and I am just so unsure about everything. What do I want to do in school? Why am I here? Do I need a year to work and think? Would I come back after a year? I know first off, that I am not actually going to take a year off school. However, I don't really know what I want anymore. What will I do with a PhD in anatomy? Where will that take me? I love anatomy but will I love my job? Will I be able to wake up everyday and be excited to do it? Those kinda things scare me a great deal. I have also had a real lack of motivation as alluded to with the whole bed thing. Sometimes it just seems easier to stay in bed and do absolutely nothing. But what kind of life is that?!?!?! Its not. Thats the answer. That is no kind of life at all, and I need to get it together. Life doesn't take a break for you to get back up on your horse and giddy up again.

This confusion is drifting down into my personal life. But its not confusion I feel. It is guilt. I feel bad for being so glum. I feel so bad that everyone wantsry and cheer me up. It isn't fair to them! They go through stuff too! I feel like I have been so selfish and just crappy as a person and I want to change it both for me, and for the ones I love. Now you may be thinking "ok, stop talking and just feel better" right? It is so not that easy. Telling myself not to mope has worked to a point. But I am still kind of stuck. I feel so awkward hanging out with anyone who isnt't Matt, I look like crap most of the time, I still log way too many hours of sleep, and I still feel like I am a crappy person.

I spose it takes time though right? If everyone felt good all the time, there wouldn't be an entire medical field dedicated to trying to medicate and solve the riddle thatis depression. However, I still feel like I have alot more I need to do for myself before I just give in. And I am going to. However, just like the Japanese puzzle box Matt gave me, you have to find the first right piece to move before you can do the rest. I hope I find that piece soon.

Props be to my friends and my boyfriend. But mostly my boyfriend because I complain and go to him all the time. Thank you so so much for supporting me and standing by me. Thank you for loving me even when it is hard. Thank you for cheering me up and for the excellene new tee shirt in which I feel extremely cute and smart. Thank you for being you!

To close, my blogosphere pals, I spose all this comes down to one thing: never give up. Keep on trying to cheer up. Keep trying to find the good in life, keep trying to have fun and relax and just enjoy life and the people in it. Don't push the people you love away because if you do you might not get them back.

Peace