Women Translation

So almost none of you probably know this, but I am a huge fan of memes like Megusta, Forever Alone, and the Lol guy. And then on a completely unrelated note, my dad was saying that he's confused by my mothers behaviour and she must just be hormonal. So, to bring these 2 unrelated topics together, here is a woman's monthly moods in memes!

Month Starts Here:

Month Ends Now.

Enjoy!

Shoesies

So, up until this point I have been strictly against prostitution. Absolutely, I have never agreed with it. Then I saw these:

Email me any time!! I'm a size 10!!

WORST DRESSED IS BACKKKKK!!!!!

Enjoy my loves!!!

Diana Agron in "Red Swan Attacked by Sharks with Frickin Laser Beams on their Heads"

Duck taping an ugly sweater doesn't make it look any better. And really, a belt would've cinched it in just as well.

Ok so this dress isn't so bad, my only problem is the lost souls on the bottom reaching up for her.

This is an impressive feat; not only did she find THE UGLIEST curtain left over from the 70's, she even managed to make it into a poorly cut dress!!!

Well that is one way to save money; use a recycling bag as a dress!

Oh Jennifer honey, the Dentist forgot to take your drooling bib off!

Yes, because a red head should wear bright red heels to accentuate her hilliter dress.

Too bad she wasn't actually in jail for this.

Sure, because an overly curvy woman needs shaping lines to accentuate her curves. 

My Lst For the Night

Ya see this woman right here?

I hate her. I can't stand her. I wish her stiletto would catch in a grate and she'd fall and hit her stupid face on a grate-ey gravely ground. Stupid Elle Macpherson.

A Relief Indeed

So I am sure many of you remember that whole controversy last year with John Galliano and his racist rants. I was both disgusted at his behaviour, and a little sad because regardless of his terrible character, he was an amazing designer, and I loved what he did for Dior. So, as you can imagine, I was a little nervous of what the new designer would do for the name. I am ashamed to know I cannot remember the fellow's name, but I have 4 of his pieces from his latest Couture collection for Christian Dior and I must say I am in love. These pieces area absolutely exquisite; simple, yet detailed and elegant. And if I may say, a bit more wearable than some of Galliano's creations. Even look at awards show season! Many a Dior dress was worn and loved! I am all in!

Tips To Live Your Life By

Hey loves!!! So I have decided that the some of the knowledge I have acquired in my lifetimes worth enough to share. Enjoy!

1. This is my number one tip; the most important. Orange was not created to wear. It was created to eat!!!

2. There is no woe that Adele or Switchfoot cannot fix.

3. Soundproofing is a myth. If you start singing at the top of your lungs in a "soundproof" racquetball court, people will hear you.

4. If you have to ask if it makes you look fat, it probably makes you look fat.

5. If you want a boy to ask you out, tell him you want him to. Give him your number and a strict outline.

6. Crocs are a backyard shoe. Unless you have a backyard without a fence. Then crocs are a no go.

7. Nothing good comes of wearing something without underwear.

8. An extension of 7; Skinny jeans don't make you look skinny if you're fat.

9. Always pluck your brows when you have the next day off.

10. Don't shave your upper thighs. EVER. Once you start, those babies never stop growing.

11. If someone makes a sexual innuendo and you don't get it, DO NOT ASK!!! Google it when you get home.

12. Don't try to be funny. You're either funny or you're not. If you are it will come naturally. If you're not you're SOL. 

13. If you're wearing your fat jeans, a boys tee-shirt, wool socks, no make up, and your hair in a tippity top fuzzy pony tail, and your man tells you you look beautiful... MARRY HIM!!!

14. The way to a man's heart is through baking. Nothing says "I love you" better than a vanilla chocolate strawberry cake. 

15. Even if you say it a billion times, always tell your significant other you love them when you think of it. They'll always appreciate it.

16. Just because it looks good on a hanger doesn't mean it will look good on you; TRY IT ON!!!

17. An extension of 16; do not buy something no matter how many pounds you plan to lose. IF IT DOESN'T FIT DON'T BUY IT!!!

18. No one will be more honest than your sister. If ya don't have one, then you're on your own.

19. Chocolate is never the answer. Ice cream and chocolate is.

20. Nothing will cheer you up better than laughing at poorly dressed ugly people. Sad, but true.

21. Fashion is of the moment, but style never changes.

22. Stupidity is never a cute thing. Even if the person you're trying to impress is stupid.

23. If your meal choice on a date carries even the slightest risk of diarrhea or gas DO NOT ORDER IT!!!!!!

24. An extension of 23; DO NOT GO #2 IN PUBLIC IF AT ALL POSSIBLE!!! EVERRRRR

25. Nothing aggravates a person more than telling them to calm down.

26. If ya don't want other people to hear it, don't say it.

27. Never mock someones car. They may just run you over.

28. DO NOT start minecraft, temple run, angry birds, or robot unicorn attack if you have any goals for your future. 

29. Anyone that likes Justin Bieber just wants to watch the world burn.

30. An Apple product, no matter what it is or how much it costs, is a better buy than the competing product.

Prepare Yourselves

Hello my few and fabulous fans! I AM ALIVE! I know I disappeared and some of you may have been like "wtfv the center of my world is gone!" BAHAHAHAHA just kidding lol I know I am not that good a blogger. That said, I know how grumpy I get when Allie from Hyperbole and a Half doesn't blog, so I figured I would elevate my own self worth and pretend some of you feel the same about me. Moving on. I have been missing my favourite blog so I was reading some of my old favourites and first of all, I wish I had the equipment to accompany brilliantly hilarious posts with  epically drawn pictures. However, considering I just had to pay $1500 replacing the car I totalled, replacing my hardware does not seem likely. Secondly, I am considering adding some additional humour posts. Because people love outrageously funny but true stories. And as my love bug Matt can attest, I have my fair share. Believe me. They're not quite as good as walking around Texas in a illness induced stupor, but they have their moments. Secondly, this blog has become more of a expression of myself as a whole as compared to just fashion. However, I realize that having only 4 followers that  I can see, I need to make sure I don't lose you. So opinions? I am incapable of making decisions, again as love bug will be able to attest.

Moving on... again. For those of you that caught onto my car accident story, worry not, for I will indulge you. That said this isn't that funny; more like sad lol. ANYWAYS... so I am headed to work. It is wednesday February 22. I live in a crowded but generally small metropolis in Western Canada (excuse my funky capitalization here there and everywhere). So I am on one of our major roads in a 60 km/h zone. The chump in front of me is hell bent on going 25 km/h. Now seeing as how I am already pushing the limit with the amount of travel time I allowed, I give him a honk. However the ass hat slows down even further, inducing a manic rage within the bowels of my soul. However, I resist the rug to ram his stupid Toyota, I calmly switch lanes, move ahead a few cars, and move back into my lane when it is safe. At this point I am traveling behind an immaculately kept minivan. I am a full car length behind it, as per my farting driver's ed instructor, and going the limit to the joy of all behind me. All of a sudden le immaculate van just stops. "No Problem!", I think, and I hit my brakes. In a perfect world, I would have stopped, had an elevated heart rate, and turn up the radio to calm down from the almost-accident nerves. THIS WORLD IS SO FAR FROM PERFECT!!!!!!!!! Why? Well because Satan's puddle was located in between me and the super van. When I hit my stupid, no good, unreliable ABS brakes, I hit le puddle, and slid like a champ into the back of the van. Air bags go off. Head gets hit on hard as rock headrest then even harder steering wheel. Blackness. Then smoke. Everywhere. I open my eyes and try and breathe but am choked by the miraculous non oxygen flooding out of my now deflated air bags. My horn is going off sporadically of it's own accord, because thats what all horns should do in an accident. I try to move and can't and start to panic because I think I am paralyzed. No, no, my hypochondriosis was unwarranted; it was just my trusty locked seat belt squeezing every inch of my rotund body!!! Do I call 911? Nnnnnope. Do I call family? Police? Heaven? Nnnnnnnope. I dial love bug to inform him that I have been in an accident and should probably call 911. Not one of my brightest moments. So I hang up then realize 911 is indeed not necessary. Well hallelujah. I call father next. I think that was my worst mistake of all, because in a panic, father and I just frustrate each other. And indeed, that is all that happened. Through bad phone reception and several hangups we get thoroughly frustrated with each other. Anyway, fast forward through annoying technical mumbo jumbo to the cavalry showing up; mother and sister (both remaining calm, thank goodness) come and help me clean everything out of my destroyed, broken, for-sure-going-to-be-written-off-car. They help me deal with the less than cordial police officers (who gave me a ticket for careless driving, thanks to the guy I had honked 10 minutes earlier dhfbgkjaerbdn), and then mother takes me to the hospital to get checked out.

I walk into the ER and obviously look alarming, because without even fully looking up, a nurse wordlessly opens up the security door and sits me down where she starts collecting information from the fuzzy-haired 14-year-old-looking girl that smells like gun smoke. She starts by taking my blood pressure. She looks a little alarmed and says "Wow, it's so low! You could be dead!" WHY THANK YOU NURSE LADY MAKING JOKES ABOUT THE UNIVERSITY STUDENT WHOSE JUST BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT THAT DESTROYED HER PRECIOUS CAR, LETS MAKE A FEW MORE INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS, SHALL WE????!!!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?! We finish up the rest and I am sent to the waiting room where I sit amongst a woman with an immovable arm, a man that hasn't passed stool in 3 days, and a child that things his mother's arm is a tissue. Needless to say I was not a happy camper. To make matters worse, the pains associated (arm, head, stomach, shoulders, back, neck, and other impact areas) starts to set in. Yes, why not, because I wasn't cheery enough. Anyway as the human snot machine, and the waste disposal unit get helped, I sit fuming. Then I start to get really sleepy and panic because I assume my brain is hemorrhaging from sheer force. Then I gain my wits and continue the anger strike. But the my chest and arm start to hurt. I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!! Instantly I start thinking about all the exercise I never bothered with, and the fitness I should've attended to. Luckily, my third year biology major brain kick in and I remember arm pain is only symptomatic in males. It is at this climax of my nerves/rationalization/even more nerves that I get called in to be helped. The doctor, who will forever be my nemesis, presses his ham hands into the sorest of spots and cannot tell by the wincing that yes, indeed Dr. Genius, that does hurt!. Then he tells me that I look ok, but to come back in if I suddenly start vomiting all over the place. Thanks for the vote of confidence doc. 

Fast forward a month and I have finally found a car to replace the broken carnage that was my 2001 Chevy Cavalier, named Lou. It took so long, no thanks to the used car department at my work who SOLD THE VEHICLE THAT I WAS HOPING TO POTENTIALLY BUY but I finally settled on a 1991 (yes folks, indeed, a car older than myself) Buick Park Avenue. It is loaded. A little finicky, but it wouldn't be a part of Robyn's world if it wasn't, right? 

Now that I am done telling my spirited and frustrating tale of destruction and doom, I must confess that I am soooooo tired because I have no proper sleep wake cycle. I will blog tomorrow about fashion related items, because I have been stock piling material! Now I can blog through my so-boring human memory class. Don't worry, I am not confused; I know tomorrow is Sunday and there are no classes on sunday, I am making just a mere anecdotal comment if you will about the soon to be status of my blogging. Anyway, goodnight! Sleep tight! And if you have rage dreams about red toyota rav 4's, know that you have a special place in my heart!!!